Real Talk!

I have been struggling for days... thinking about the recent death of my Aunt, Barbara. & I mean struggling. This was no ordinary loss. This was one of the most meaningful losses- it was the kind of loss that provokes the most intense self examination...

& I had just wanted to write a fitting tribute... a memorial to Barbara Colleen, my aunt.

She was very premature... less than a pound at birth... many of her internal organs exposed. The doctors gave her up for dead... she had surgery immediately and little Barbara Colleen held on. I remember hearing that Nana & Boppa were told that Barbie would never live into her teens. She was a tiny little doll... a precious little girl. She was 2 years my senior.

My cousin, Shari and I, were just a few months apart in age and the three of us were playmates... but for such a short time.

It was sad outgrowing Barbie... for all of us, she included.

We loved Barbara... and Barbara loved us. Barbara loved everyone. Unless she was mad... then she just wanted to control the situation and frankly, she could get very cranky. Fortunately, that did not happen all that often... especially in the early years.

I believe that when Barbie realized and processed the concept that the family was developing at a different pace, she began having a great deal of anxiety... and some depression... it was sad for all of us... Then, Barbie discovered "Beavers". There, she socialized with her peers & she was never happier, than when she was bowling or hanging out, dancing with her pals... singing.

Barbie loved music. She would play her records until she wore them out. "Little Bobby Shafto" was one of her favourites. & she loved her dolls... in particular, she was vigilant about teaching them to walk. When they came out with "walking dolls", Barbie was in her glory! She was extremely maternal.

Another favourite toy was her "Googie"... a stuffed chimpanzee with a banana in his hand. Barbie really preened her googie.

Barbie loved the family... but so often, these occasions were met with complete tears. & we understood and we wished we could fix it....After losing her mother, it became clear that Dad wasn't going to be able to take care of Barbie. & Barbie went to live in a "group home" with her peers.
There, I understand she quickly learned a great number of skills... enabling her to find employment, use public transport and do her own banking...

Various members of the family had the opportunity to visit Barbie there... and they could see that she was very happy. As Barbie got older, visits with family became overwhelming and we concluded that she was happiest left alone with her "family" at the group home.

We loved Barbie enough to respect that... and besides, it was horrendously difficult to visit and not quite know what to do... and she didn't respond well to overnight visits with family.

When notified of Barbara's passing, one of my cousins told me that she felt horrendous guilt about not having visited Barbie more often... and I comforted her by saying that I did, too

& I also mentioned that you can always find a coulda, shoulda, woulda... and that isn't fair, either... we all have had our "stuff"...

our lives have become so very complicated... raising children, caring for & losing parents, getting divorced... earning a living... and processing the transitions that life brings... those are the things that were most difficult for Barbie... she was very upset by change... and she didn't forget a thing.

Although it had been years, I recently told Fabian that I knew that if we were to visit Barbara... she would rub one index finger along the other and say, "Shame Shame Jo".... and laugh until she cried...

While we didn't seem to understand each other... on some levels- we really did....

and as I see it... our family made the best effort... to cause the least number of emotional upheavals and to respect Barbie's right to happiness... to facilitate her independence... and she blossomed & flourished with this "other" family, while we carried our love for her, in our hearts.

Barbara was fortunate in having some caregivers that spent many years with her. I'm sure she found comfort in that continuity of care. As a child, she often had respiratory related sickness... and I understand that her later years brought heart disease and some dementia... she had spent a number of years in a wheelchair, too.

I will always remember her gentle laugh.